It’s not always what we want to hear, but, at least we have answer for why it ended.
It could be you don’t see each other enough, or it could be as shallow as an image problem, such as weight.
At least at that point, you see what transpired to cause these break ups, as infuriating as that hypothetical is.
However, sometimes that reason may not be as clear as you’d like it to be.
They use phrases like “I need some space,” or “I just need to work on myself,” or give excuses on topics that never used to be an issue in the past.
It can leave you hurting, and at a loss for words, to say the absolute least.
On top of that, this person who breaks up with you is experiencing hot-and-cold feelings, closeness and distance, and it’s extremely confusing, and constantly shifting.
So it leaves you wondering:
- Is there something going on you don’t know about?
- Did you do something wrong?
- What can you do about it?
There’s not concrete information to go off.
But in reality, things always have a reason, even if they won’t say what that reason is.
Often times, these responses are very predictable, and are hiding ulterior motives in their break ups.
In this article, I want to focus on three areas. Relationships that will be:
- Worth saving
- Not worth saving, potentially toxic
- Somewhere in between
That said, let’s just get right into it.
Right off the bat, there are key phrases people will give when they’re sort of committed, but they’re feeling drawn to something, usually someone else.
“I just need some space.”
“I just need to work on myself.”
People will say things like this, and then not give a reason why they feel this way.
These will be the responses that, more times than not, are because they have feelings for someone else.
It doesn’t mean they’re trying to hurt you, or they’ve been using you, it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.
That can be true, but good people can be tempted by other people from time to time.
The truth is, Hollywood, and storybooks, everything will tell you it’s only really possible to have feelings for one single person.
That’s an absolute lie.
If you share enough of yourself with someone, and you see they’ve been with you through the good and the bad, it can be difficult not to have feelings for someone.
I’m not saying good people cheat on each other, they don’t, but it’s not an astronomical abnormality for someone to develop feelings for someone else despite being in a relationship.
So this is normally what happens; good (or bad) people that don’t want to hurt you, but can’t overcome how they feel about someone else, claiming they just need to step back without mentioning someone else.
The pain though, is they may something like this to hold you over, even after these break ups.
They may something like that, “I need some space”, something that doesn’t have a definitive end, so that if they test out life with that other person they aren’t mentioning, they can run back to you if it flops.
And yet in the meantime, you’re in torment, with sleepless nights wondering when they’re gonna come back.
Another thing they may do, is bring up reasons that don’t make sense.
Suddenly things you’ve both always known are true about your relationship, will suddenly be reasons why you can’t even be together.
It’s just more reasons for them to break it off right now, but they have you second guessing whether or not they really will come back.
Something else to look out for, is chasing. This usually happens with people than can potentially be toxic in a relationship.
Sometimes in a break up, you’ll get the person that says something far more damaging than they may even realize:
“I just, don’t love you, and I’ve really tried to.”
First of all, I want to make this clear. This is a very damaging phrase.
By saying something like this in break ups, it sounds like they are the noble one. They’re trying to find value in staying with you, and as much as they’re trying, they can’t.
It’s a very hurtful sentiment, and it has you second guessing the mental scrapbook you’ve built up in your head.
Now, when someone isn’t attracted to you anymore, or is at least showing signs of it, a lot of people’s first instinct is to show them how much you love them, in hopes it will change their mind.
“Oh you’re second guessing this? Well I love you so, SOOOO much! I’ll give you whatever time you need!”
Here’s the issue with that though; it almost never works.
The truth of life is, love is not the deciding factor in attraction. If it was, the hottest supermodels would be with the ugliest men on the planet.
That ugly man is going to be so much more appreciative, and would likely do far more for her than the people these women usually end up marrying.
And the honest truth is, you become less and less attractive the clearer it is they have you on a leash.
If someone knows they’ve always got you in their back pocket, they’re going to respect you far less than they already did.
And respect plays a much bigger factor in attraction than desperate love does.
So the next time someone says something like that to you in a break up, something along the lines of;
“Oh, so you don’t see any worth in dating me? Well if that’s the case, yeah, I think it might be a good idea to break up.”
It shows that you have enough self-respect to know, despite what they’re saying, what your worth is. And if they’re rethinking that, it’s a major red flag.
By not doing that, and by assuring them you’ll love them no matter what, you’re really just assuring them to try life without you, because if something goes wrong, they can always come back to you.
It rips away any last power you had in that relationship, and makes you seem weaker to them.
Even if you’re doing it from what you see as a noble standpoint.
This last example could be an example of Borderline Personality Disorder.
These will be the people that will make you feel like the epitome of perfection. You’ll feel like your relationship isn’t just perfect, but beyond perfect, and better than anything you could’ve dreamt of.
They can articulate every gift about you, and you feel the exact things in them.
And these people show you how broken they are, and they share enough about themselves that you feel unbelievably bonded.
But, once that relationship gets past that first love-bombing stage, and maybe you’ve voiced some small criticism, these people go from the most loving, caring, insightful people, to the most ruthless, painful, and difficult people in existence.
It’ll go from
“Hey, would you mind not doing this?”
And then they’ll crank it up to
“Why don’t you go to hell?”
Just completely unacceptable responses and behavior, using things like “hate” and “get out of my life”.
Just know, that with these types of people, when you show them how much you still love them, you’re repulsing them even more.
Because they already look at you as a mistake, and weak, and every day you shake it off and refusing to let it affect you, they think you’re more and more pathetic.
They believe no matter what they do to you, even if they rip apart who you are and beat you with your own failures, you’re too foolish to see what they’re doing and walk away.
Don’t let them continue to do that, or you’ll find yourself having the darkest, most painful period of you life.
So start at square one, get out of the relationship, stay away with your dignity in tact.
And the rest is simple, although it really won’t feel like it. Just stay away, and never forget the hell they put you through. Sometimes, break ups that make no sense are a mercy.