No Contact is a difficult place to be, there’s no getting around it.
I start a few posts with a line like that, not only because I feel like it’s just a good hook – but because it’s true.
No Contact absolutely is a difficult place to be.
It’s confusing, not only due to the specifics of its execution – like how hot and cold to be, how much to reciprocate, etc. – but, how are you supposed to tell if it’s even working?
What if it isn’t working? What if it’s actually getting worse?
Many times, people have the thought: “If I’m not fighting for this relationship, no one is. Doesn’t that hurt my chances?”
So let’s go through some of the basic concerns of “no contact” backfiring.
To start, let’s do the one I briefly brought up before.
“If I don’t fight for this relationship, and pursue ‘no contact’, no one is fighting anymore.”
That’s a perfectly logical, reasonable thought. But it isn’t accurate.
It’s like when two people are in an argument they both fully believe, but only one of them is actually right. Both might have logical points, but only one is accurate.
The truth is, that question is a fallacy.
If only one of you is fighting for the relationship: That isn’t a relationship.
A relationship, by its very definition, requires two people to be connected.
If only one of you wants to keep going, keeps trying to hold on, that isn’t a relationship anymore, even if you’ve already had one in the past.
I’m not saying that to poke holes in any hope you have, I’m saying that to help you better understand where you are right here and now, to better set a good goal.
The question isn’t “How will I be able to keep holding onto my relationship?”
It’s “How do I regain attraction to set up that relationship?”
And that’s a perfectly reasonable question.
And the answer is no contact. That’s the whole point of it.
No contact is proving your strength, and your confidence.
Chances are, if you’re in this position, you’re the one that’s been broken up with.
If that’s the case, they expect you to be in pain. They expect you not to feel the same way.
By showing desperation, clamoring for another chance, trying to convince them to get back together, you’re showing the exact signs of someone in total pain.
And as bizarre and even cruel as it may sound, it puts you on a different level in their mind. By showing desperation, whether consciously, or maybe even subconsciously, they see your value as lowered, and theirs as higher.
The best way to level out those feelings again, is to display strength.
There is no better way than no contact.
It displays an undeniable sense of worth.
“If you don’t know you want me, then I know I don’t want you.”
You do not establish attraction by showing you need someone in your life, it paints you as more dependent.
When you show you don’t need anyone, that is the most undeniable sense of strength.
And that strength will – undeniably – trigger curiosity.
So as weird as it sounds, the best way to step out of their lives.
If someone just threw you out of the house because they’re tired of living with you – what’s gonna make them rethink their decision more? Banging on it over and over and demanding to be let in?
Or is it saying “Fine, I don’t like it, but I respect the decision,” and taking a look at other houses?
It’s human instinct. Respect and second-guessing comes in when you respect their decision, not pleading them to reconsider.
But, what if you don’t really feel that way? What if it feels like you’re being inauthentic?
That’s, again, reasonable. Thinking one way and acting another.
But like before, it isn’t accurate.
You in pain is not the authentic version of you. It’s reactionary, not deliberate.
Think of it like you’re being tickled during a funeral…not quite the same but just hear me out.
If you’re being tickled, you’re laughing, right? You can’t help it. Even if you’re at a funeral where that would be inappropriate in every regard.
But something is happening that is causing your reaction at that given moment. It doesn’t really mean you find the funeral funny.
That break up caused the same thing, in a sense.
Just because you stop acting sad and depressed doesn’t mean you’re being inauthentic, you’re just directing yourself to how you really want to feel, as opposed to what you may have been before.
It’s not inauthentic or deceitful to act like you’re in pain, you’re just pushing through your reaction and emotion to get to where you really need to be.
So how can you adjust yourself to stop wanting them so badly?
That’s the rough part – you can’t. At least, not at first.
Unless you’re a very specific person, you can’t just switch off that strong of an emotion.
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to help.
Firstly, adjust your behavior to adjust your mindset.
It’s weird, but it works. It’s the same reason that if you smile, you actually become happy. Your brain mimics the emotion you exhibit. So weaponize it.
Spend time with friends, family, people that genuinely love and care about you. Spend quality time with them.
Try to do things that make you happy, maybe things you hadn’t been able to do while in that relationship. I’m not saying sleep around or anything, but just things as simple as “they never wanted to do it so I never did”.
I’m not saying you won’t think of them while you do these things, you will. Even with family and/or friends.
But do your best to act through it, push through it. Again, acting how you want to feel isn’t a lie to you or the people around you, you’re just trying to adjust how you feel about the situation.
But what if they’re different?
Listen to me. I’m not saying this to be harsh, I’m saying this to put you at ease.
They aren’t.
I don’t know everyone reading this, I couldn’t possibly. So how do I sound so confident?
Because it doesn’t matter.
I’ve worked with all kinds of people; shy, mean, blunt, passive, etc., it doesn’t change, ever.
No contact doesn’t rely on personality, it relies on human nature. If they’re human, this is absolutely your best shot.
I won’t lie to you. Sometimes it’s more than possible they’ve already found somebody else, which can significantly slow the effects of no contact. Although, not to say it won’t still work, though again, it may not.
But again, it’s your best shot.
You’ll feel tempted to reach out, it’s only natural. Progress is hard to see on either side of no contact.
But if you miss them, this is how you get them to think about you all over again.
It doesn’t backfire because it doesn’t do what many assume, i.e. getting you off their mind. No, it does the exact opposite.
So the main question, then. Can no contact backfire?
Is it 100%? No. But will absolutely not lower your chances. By its very nature it’ll have the opposite effect.
Click here to book a call with Coach Ken
