No Contact is tough enough.
It involves evading contact with someone you’ve not only come to love, but someone that’s said they don’t want a relationship anymore.
For most people, it’s a difficult, frustrating and confusing time; and then come the holidays.
Holidays are supposed to be a time of peace, togetherness, and thankfulness. And it makes being away from someone you love that much more painful.
So what do you do?
Isn’t this the perfect time to reach out to them? If you’re thinking of them, they’re definitely thinking of you, right?
You should go out there and get ’em.
The Point of No Contact
Before you get that overwhelming urge to reach out to them again, and if you haven’t had it you probably will – remind yourself why you’re doing this at all.
If someone you opened your heart, mind, and soul to suddenly claims they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, the chances are incredible that they’ve lost sight of why they wanted you in the first place.
The best way to desensitize someone to something, the best way to blind them to something, is to constantly have that thing around them.
Why do people not smell cat litter in their house when the whole thing smells like cat litter? Easy – they’re always around it.
Questionable analogies aside – that’s what they did with you.
Chances are, at this point, they’ve been with you to the point they no longer see what made you so special to them.
So what’s the best way to remind them? You got it, No Contact.
The point of No Contact isn’t to punish them by giving them the cold shoulder.
In fact, my advice when it comes to No Contact usually begins with “DON’T be cold to them.”
Again, it’s not about punishing, it’s about REMINDING.
Once you step out of their life, if they really ever loved you as much as you suspected, THEY WILL THINK ABOUT YOU whether they want to or not.
Think about it like this: Love does not come out of attraction.
If some 600-pound person with stains all over their shirt with a pedo-stache and a Sesame Street T-shirt proved all the ways they loved you and wanted to be with you, be honest, even if they proved it, would that make you want to be with that person? AT ALL??
If you answered no, good, progress. If you answered yes…I mean everyone’s got their thing I guess, but you should see my point.
Love is not about proving how much you love someone.
It’s about how much they respect you.
If you had them as a partner, at any point, it was because they saw something in you that they like. Maybe they liked how funny you were, charismatic, handsome, beautiful, insightful, wise, whatever it was, it made them fall for you.
If they left, it’s not so much because they aren’t attracted to those qualities – it’s that they can’t see them in you.
At least, right now.
By taking a step back, you give them time to miss you.
You aren’t forcefully flooding their mind with thoughts of you – you’re showing strength and integrity by saying to them, “You know what? I’d rather be with someone who can see why I’m worth it.”
It’s not out of anger for them, just respect for yourself.
Holidays Are Your Best Shot, Not The Finish Line
A lot of the time, I’ll get people in my calls explaining why they really DEEPLY believe the holidays are the time to reach out.
“Their feelings are gonna get hurt…”
“But I always do this…”
“It’s been long enough…”
All of those are perfectly logical…at face value.
But the truth is, those are all just excuses. Reasonable excuses, but not ones that will actually help in any way.
First off, their feelings may get hurt that you didn’t. But that’s a grossly unfair, and honestly, just really selfish and kinda low.
If they’re feelings are hurt that you didn’t reach out to them on Christmas or their Birthday or whatever, then what was the goal of kicking you out of their life?
If they do get mad, don’t take what they’re saying to heart. Once you aren’t in a relationship with them anymore, you aren’t under any special obligation anymore, even as a friend.
They chose that they wanted you away from them, right? So by giving them that space, you’re doing what they claimed they needed.
It doesn’t make you selfish for obliging to that: it’s selfish and childish and low to get mad at you for doing it.
And most noteworthy – it just means No Contact is working, as clearly, hey, they were thinking of you!
Secondly, always doing something in the past isn’t always a good reason for doing it now or in the future.
Maybe you have always always reached out to them on Christmas.
Doesn’t mean you should.
Maybe you had always gone in the McDonald’s Play Place as a kid.
Doesn’t mean you should do it in Middle School.
Change can be a difficult thing, but a lot of the time, it just means you’re making progress.
Lastly, as for “it’s been long enough”, really?
You think the deadline for No Contact perfectly lines up with their birthday or Christmas?
No, it doesn’t and you know it.
No Contact isn’t about ending when you feel like it’s been long enough.
It ends when they say it’s been enough, and they’re ready for you to come back.
What I’m trying to say is, No Contact isn’t gonna ruin your chances when you do it on a holiday. It just shows you both how strong you are.
Holidays are the perfect time for that other person to think to themselves, “Wow, they’ve always been here or done this thing on this day. And I haven’t heard a word from them.”
THAT is their cue to miss you.
THAT is when their brain starts PowerPoint Presenting all the good times, much like yours has likely done since the day of the break up.
So don’t do it.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking “Today is the day! I’ll get them back!”
That’s the right line, it just isn’t yours.
So stay strong during the holidays.
Surround yourself with other loved ones, family and friends.
Do what you did when they weren’t around – because they weren’t always around.
By being happy, and proving to you what makes you special, that’s what brings couples back together.
– Book a call with Coach Ken