A sad fact is, you could love your girlfriend, or your wife, with all your heart. You could work day in, and day out, putting up with her painful words and actions, all to show how much you love her. Putting up with a girlfriend or wife who is a bully.
If you are doing this, and dating a person that just keeps hurting you, take it from someone who did the very same thing. Get out. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
Here’s the thing though. If you’re like me, under the surface, you probably already know you’re dating a bully. But it’s easy to say “No, she’s not a bully, she doesn’t know how much she’s hurting me. And I’ll show her not to.”
You can’t do that. You can not do that.
The thing about a bully; they know that they are a bully. They understand what they are, and they do not care.
But, sometimes you need a push. It’s like being shaken out of a dream, or more like a nightmare.
So I implore you. Read these signs below. And if they describe your girlfriend, or your wife, it’s time to wake up, and realize you really are with a bully.
1. Name calling
Now, when talking about name calling, it’s not quite as simple as it sounds. It’s one thing to say what’s related to the heat of the moment, things like “selfish ass” or “whiny twat”. While that’s mean, and definitely over the line, but it’s not what I’m talking about.
That’s another thing, to go for the jugular, to go after things they should know are just way too far.
For example, if she knows you have image problems, maybe you’ve had them your whole life, and she calls you a “fat piece of shit that won’t amount to anything”.
Needless to say, that sort of name calling, is just not okay, don’t think it is.
She isn’t just attacking you, she’s annihilating your character, she’s saying things she knows you struggle with every day. Stop tolerating that.
2. Will not apologize
No matter what, they will not apologize. Apologies are a perfect normal, and expected, part of life, and especially for relationships.
They aren’t supposed to be something anyone is too good for, to think otherwise is a joke.
And yet, when your wife is a bully, they will completely brush off every necessary apology. Maybe they said something over the line, maybe they said something that scarred you to their core.
Maybe they even hit you, physically hurt you.
Whether it be mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever way, they just do not apologize.
3. It’s your fault
When something goes wrong, it’s your fault. Simple.
The simple fact is, they see themselves as too good to admit when something is on them. When they do something wrong, they’ll hide it, deflect it, whatever they have to do.
In fact, when something goes wrong, their first instinct is to point at you.
4. Is controlling
When you two do something together, it’s always their decision what you do. If you watch a movie, it’s their movie.
If you go out to eat, it’s their restaurant.
Your vacation time, is her vacation time.
On top of that, they tend to control your time with friends. If you want to hang out with a friend, you’ll find you have to be strategic about it, otherwise they will guilt-trip you into the ground.
5. Manipulators of pity, expect sympathy
Despite giving none for you, these people will demand your sympathy. When they are hurt, nothing will be okay until they feel better.
It’s a complete double standard, but even if you logically break that down for them, it won’t do any good. At all.
They’ll just pout it off, or even remind you of past mistakes.
You can’t use morals to argue against an immoral person, it sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.
They tend to disconnect themselves from reality when it’s most convenient for them. They can do things that completely contradict each other morally, but it doesn’t matter.
You could spend the whole week doing exactly what they wanted.
But then, when you turn around and
Things only connect when you contradict yourself, or things happen to line up for them.
7. Makes emotional threat
This is the phrase to look out for:
“I think you should do what you wanna do.”
This is normally the response you get for asking to do something completely reasonable. Say, you wanted to spend time with your friends.
What she’s saying when she gives that response is, what you do in this particular event, will be proof of where your love is.
If you go spend time with your friends, you suddenly love them more than her.
8. She defines your words
She will tell you what your words mean. A good example, if a friend invites you out to hang out that night. So you then go to ask her, but when you do, she completely warps the intent.
“Hey, I wanna go to a game with my friend.”
“Right, so you don’t wanna spend time with me?”
You didn’t say that. You didn’t imply that. But that’s what she got from it, and now you’re in the wrong for doing something absolutely reasonable.
In your relationship, the moment you go from saying you’re hanging out with your friends, to asking if you can, take a hard look at your relationship.
9. Won’t disagree in front of people
This one is, pretty much exactly what it sounds like.
But let me give an example.
Say, you and her were with your friends.
And you were all talking about your favorite movie.
Say this movie you were talking about had a terrible sequel. An objectively awful film, of which you and your friends constantly make fun of.
Now say, while you’re talking about the first movie, she says:
“That one’s good, but the sequel is so much better.”
Now in a healthy relationship, you’d laugh it off, maybe even have an actual debate about why she thinks that way.
But you’ll find yourself getting quiet, or even arguing for her. Saying things like “Oh well, y’know, it did have cool moments…”
That’s sounds like a fairly main example, but it paints a much broader picture when your wife is a bully.
You know you’re wrong, but you can’t disagree with her or everything will get worse.
10. You Don’t Ask Certain Things
After a bit, there are certain things you just won’t bother to ask anymore.
You’ll stop asking her to hang out with friends, certainly not if it’s a girl. Though in many cases she’ll spend time with whoever she pleases, and if you question that, you suddenly don’t trust her.
11. Makes difficulties worse
For this, I’m going to use a personal example.
I remember getting the news that my grandmother passed away. It was a horrible, horrible thing. It messed with me more than I thought it would.
I remember driving home, and just thinking,
“…I can’t tell her.”
When things that hurt you, really hurt you, happen, you’ll get to the point where you can not tell her things that hurt you.
Because you know she doesn’t care about how you feel, even at a time like that.
So I kept that to myself, and had one of the worst nights of my life.
But to this day I know that if I told her, it would’ve only been worse.
12. She doesn’t believe in you
This is a pretty heartbreaking one.
With her, you start to feel like you’re the worst version of yourself.
You feel like you have no potential, like you’re hopeless, no self respect, nothing.
13. Makes you feel ashamed
You start to accept what she’s telling you. That you’re a worthless man.
And you accept the role she gave you.
14. You defend your bully
Even after all these things, someone may point it out.
Now that you’ve become a much sadder person from them, and you just aren’t yourself.
You know they’re right, but you’ll still try to defend them.
You’ll put out excuses, about how they’ve had a rough life, that they just don’t know the right way to love someone.
They know, believe me, they know.
When your wife is a bully, they don’t want to love you the right way.
15. Loses sense of boundaries
At the beginning of the relationship, she tested what was, or wasn’t okay. That won’t stop, either.
So, she will proceed to push you further, and further, until she completely loses a sense of boundaries.
She will hurt you in every way she can.
16. You just know
I mean, you really do. You just know when your wife is a bully.
This list may not be so much as a warning, as much as it is a validation you’re not going insane.
You know she’s not the woman you fell in love with.
You know she doesn’t care about you.
Don’t let yourself think you can win her over, or change her heart.
It’s not your role to do that, she needs to.
To make a Coaching Call with Coach Ken, click here.