Unless you’re going through some rebellious or strange stretch in your life – it’s safe to say you don’t hope your boyfriend is an ass.
Everyone’s looking for that perfect somebody.
The person they can grow old with and live happily alongside.
However, for many people, that stampede to find true love can be blinding.
To the point it can blind you as to what you really have in your relationship.
When the goal is living out life happily alongside someone else, people often find themselves moving the goalpost to help the other person cross the finish line.
People can often feel if they, themselves, become more malleable morally and mentally, they can mold what they have into an ideal relationship.
It’s how you get the amazing friend with the douche boyfriend or girlfriend.
That willingness to be “happy” and “loved” can cover you from the truth to an alarming degree.
Sometimes all it takes it a solid third party to shake you out of something like that.
Sometimes, it takes much more than that, but an unbias source can definitely help.
Either way, taking the time to sit down and compare what you have now or have had can certainly help gain some clarity.
So let’s see, together, if your boyfriend is an ass.
…Or girlfriend.
1. Your Problems Are Waivered
A relationship is just that – a relationship.
You’re connecting with someone, you’re being there for them.
So let’s say you have a “relationship” where the person you’re with comes to you for an issue.
Whether it be for something you can do for them, or even just to vent out their emotion.
As their romantic partner, it’s your emotional duty to be there for them.
You talk about their issues, you hear them out, you may even be able to directly help them fix their issue if you can.
That’s pretty straightforward.
But let’s say you are the issue.
They don’t like how you act, what you say, what you wear, something like that.
This is where I’m gonna get controversial: That, in itself, isn’t necessarily an issue.
If they present a legitimate issue, like let’s say you’re going to where a bikini to their parent’s house (an extreme example but I’m just trying to show the point), they have a right to bring attention to that.
We live in a very entitled and stubborn society.
There’s an idea that “you shouldn’t change for anybody”.
Sounds like an empowering statement, and to a small extent I’d even agree.
But it’s fundamentally untrue.
If you are a morally corrupt person, or doing something morally corrupt, and the person you’re with addresses it, you aren’t “not being true to yourself” by adapting.
You’ve just realized it’s time to stop being corrupt in that regard.
So it’s okay to at least hear them out. And if they’ve made a reasonable argument, it’s not a failure or a loss to adapt to that.
However.
Let’s say you actively try to do that, and then something comes up you don’t appreciate. Could even be the exact same thing they got onto you for.
If your boyfriend is an ass: They will say whatever they can to sidestep something that causes them to look at themselves negatively.
“You have no right to say that to me!”
“If you love me I shouldn’t have to change!”
“Am I not good enough for you?!”
Things you could have said when you were faced with things you did to them.
But you didn’t because you truly care about them, as well as how they feel.
If they felt the same, as they damn well should, the response should have been mirrored.
2. Your Time Is Their Time
I’m in no way saying you shouldn’t spend time with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
If that were true, there wouldn’t really be a point in a relationship at all. No, you obviously need to spend time with the person you’re with, I’d even encourage setting aside a night a week together at least.
However, your time isn’t their time.
You have a right to spend your free time however you want.
Let’s say you want to spend time with some friends. You’ve already spent a solid amount of time together that week, you’ve done what they’ve asked you to do responsibility-wise, all of that.
But you’d obviously like to take some time to either be alone, or be with other people.
Doesn’t make you a bad person, just makes you human. You have friends, you’d obviously want to spend personal time with them as well.
But let’s say they don’t like that, they give you the guilt trip.
“You don’t want to spend time with me?”
“Why can’t I come with you?”
“What did I do wrong that you don’t want to spend time with me?”
It’s basic manipulation. If they’re an ass, they’ll paint the picture that you’re the heartless one “turning your back” on them.
That isn’t what’s happening, to think that is delusional.
You are allowed to have nights to yourself, you’re not entitled to spend all your time with that person.
Sadly enough, those same people will often flip sides when it’s their turn to be invited somewhere.
When the time comes for them to spend time with their friends, and maybe you want to spend time with them, those same people may say things like:
“You’re being way too clingy.”
“Do you not trust me?!”
“You’re overreacting.”
It’s not fair, it’s not right, and it’s childish.
The whole point of a moral principle is to uphold it to yourself as well, not solely others.
And no one is even necessarily entitled to bend to your principles.
But the ass in a relationship will always expect you to bend, and yet, they never seem to even move.
3. Relationship Hostage
A relationship is beneficial for both people involved.
Well. It should be.
Relationships are good for when you need to know someone loves you. There’s someone who, out of the whole world, picked you.
You have someone rooting for you; someone to stand alongside you and push you to keep going.
They are for both of you to be better people, holding each other accountable, standing up for one another. It’s supposed to be a mutually beautiful experience.
I can’t say this loudly enough, or at all since this is an article, but just imagine I’m screaming this at you.
Lovingly 🙂
Relationships are not favors.
Relationships don’t exist for one person’s benefit or detriment.
If just one person feels they’re getting something out of the relationship, that’s not a relationship, that’s a parasite.
If there is ever a point where the person you’re with threatens the relationship to get something they want, that’s your cue.
That person is a dick, get the hell away from them.
They are holding your relationship hostage, they’re threatening your “happiness” by saying they’ll walk away.
A complete joke.
Do you want the person that’s supposed to be fighting for you the hardest to walk out on you just because you didn’t watch “Sleepless In Seattle” for the second night in a row?
Everything you two do has to be for them or about them.
Do you think that person respects you at all?
They see the pain they put you through, and they’re smiling at it.
They see the fair option and selectively dance around it while making your input meaningless.
They’ve got you by the throat.
These people exist, I’ve seen them, I’ve met them, I’ve lived with them.
They’re emotional vampires, they’re feeding off your agony and sacrifices to get what they want.
Relationships are about proving your love and loyalty; and proving that comes from sacrifice.
By putting down your own wants, your own desires, for what they want, you’re displaying something tangible for them to have and hold on to.
What the hell does it say when they aren’t willing to do the same?
So in short…
If the person you’re with is an ass, watch out for this trick.
It’s mental gymnastics…well. I don’t know if I’d even phrase it like that, gymnastics are impressive.
When someone does something like this it’s just sad and kind of pathetic.
But when someone your with is an ass, who cares only about themselves,
When it’s on you to sacrifice, it’s about love. When it’s on them to sacrifice, it’s about rights.
If it’s your turn to change for the better – most of the time it ain’t for the better but y’know – they’ll say you should love them enough to change for them.
They’ll turn this into a chance to show how much you love them. And if you don’t take it, you’ve just set that notion in stone.
If it’s on them to change, you suddenly have no right to enter the territory they’ve happily dragged you through.
They’ll get offended, they’ll throw a fit, they’ll do whatever emotion gets them far away from anything resembling accountability.
Don’t fall for that anymore. The sad thing is, you probably didn’t at first, if you find yourself in this situation.
In my experience, it’s more of a numbing.
You’ve gotten so used to being emotionally slammed you can’t really feel it anymore.
I’ve been there, you need to trust me when I say I’ve been there.
But you need to realize this not only isn’t fair, but you aren’t entitled to sludge through the garbage anymore.
You aren’t weak for “breaking”, there’s strength and respect in standing against what you know is a blatant flipping of morality.
But, that isn’t the goal of this article, if you want to learn how to get out of it.
This article is about identification. Are you objectively being treated unfairly in your relationship.
If the person you’re with is consistently doing one, or even all of these, you can safely say your boyfriend is an ass.
…Or girlfriend.
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