More and more today, men – good men – are struggling in their relationships.
Bad men, to use the term broadly, leaving their relationships for something better is nothing new.
But why are so many good (or at least trying to be good) men having trouble in their relationships?
Why are good men leaving their relationships?
The men that are just trying their best to be what they conceive to be decent as a person.
Why on earth would a man like that just walk out of a relationship with the person they love?
Well for one, each relationship is different, obviously, just as every person is different.
However, just because each person is different doesn’t mean we don’t share common issues, even romantically.
So while this may not apply to every relationship, it’s safe to say there is a common underlying issue here.
So what is the issue?
What’s the underlying problem?
Good men can’t win.
No matter what you do as a guy in today’s world, there’s a title that goes with it.
Let’s say a good man wants to be, genuinely, there for the person they’re with.
So that good man lets that other person pick what they wanna do, where they go, what they watch.
Practically every time they’re together.
Not because they want to be perceived as good or bad, necessarily. But just because he’s trying to be nice, kind, and caring.
But today, there’s always titles that come with that.
A frequent one being “simp”, just to start.
An actual simp is the guy that pours thousands of dollars into an online stream just to hear a woman they’ll never meet say their name.
That’s a simp, not the good guy just trying to be nice for the woman they love. But they’re often called that all the same.
It can leave men feeling demoralized, and like they’re being made fun of just because they’re trying to help.
Nowadays, putting yourself down, even in the smallest regards, is honed in on and ridiculed. Sometimes by the very person they’re doing it for.
Or even friends for putting “the hoes before bros”.
But by virtue of dating and even marriage, it’s natural for the girlfriend to take a priority, at least every now and again.
But that doesn’t always matter to friends.
“Okay, so men should just stop being so one-sided and sacrificial then?”
– Someone, probably
Well no, that in itself is a massive problem.
See, good men want to be heroic. By its very virtue, heroism demands sacrifice.
How should a good man display that by not putting others first?
Being a good man means being heroic, but aspects of heroism are lately belittled and humiliated in today’s culture.
If it isn’t valued, then it often feels like there’s no point in acting sacrificial.
So would the solution then be less of a good man in that case?
Alright, let’s say to avoid feeling weak, taken for granted, and frankly judged, the man goes in the opposite direction.
He tries to give her space, stops being so “over-loving”.
Now we’ve crossed into bad-boyfriend territory.
“He doesn’t even do this for you?” “When was the last time he did this?”
By stepping back and not being so caring, you’re suddenly the bad guy.
The villain of the relationship, the selfish ass.
There’s just no winning. There’s no safe spot to land.
Good men are leaving over this.
I’m not saying in any way men are the only ones with issues. Women obviously have their own problems they struggle with, that’s no secret.
It’s not at all my goal to trivialize women’s legitimate issues to make men’s seem more serious.
It’s disingenuous and aids in nothing.
But I am trying to bring attention to a genuine problem men today are facing.
It’s getting harder and harder for men to just be seen as good.
And that’s the specific, confusing, demoralizing, painful understanding of what it is to just be a “good man” now.
And yes, that does matter.
For some men, a lot of men, being a good person is extremely important to them.
We’ve been raised looking up to heroes like Batman, Luke Skywalker, Iron Man, characters that are now being torn down and belittled.
But they stood for something, a principle.
“Even if it’s difficult, even when you don’t want to, you do what is right, because it’s the right thing to do.”
Put down your own wants and your own needs if it means contributing to the greater good.
It was about fighting for something bigger than yourself.
But now it just feels like the principle has shifted. It’s not about men’s struggle to fight evil and selfishness.
Nowadays, look around you and take notes on those heroes.
One of the new messages is: “Behind every good man is a woman propping him up.”
It feels more and more like men are being told to shut up and get out of the way.
Think about it. When was the last time you really saw the classic narrative of “Here’s a good man fighting a bad man simply because it’s the right thing to do?”
More and more the stories and news we’re confronted with is about how men are bad and women are trying to fix it.
Luke Skywalker steps away from what he knows is right so Rey can step in.
Harley Quinn is a much more competent hero than Batman ever was.
James Bond is nothing but a sexist pig.
It’s the same thing, the same message, and it’s getting louder and louder.
Men are useless unless they’re clapping for a woman.
There’s nothing wrong with helping a woman or a man helping a man.
It’s when you make the entirety of one’s identity or purpose to serve the other that it becomes a problem.
If a little boy, or even just a young man sees and gets that message, what does he do with that?
If the message is “You aren’t worth much but they are”, how do you really see your self as, anything remotely valuable?
It’s being more and more difficult to see yourself as useful as a man. Like you and your time are worth it, like you aren’t just trying to offend people by simply existing.
Identity is an important factor for anybody.
And the harder it is to identify a good man, the harder it is to identify as a good man.
So what can you do for them in a relationship?
Just try to understand.
To be clear: Don’t excuse abusive or mentally destructive behavior, I’m not saying that in any way whatsoever.
If you’re in that situation, get away, stay awake, get whatever help you need to do so.
I am saying there’s a tendency to not take men’s mental and emotional issues as seriously as they need to be.
Especially in direct comparison’s to women’s.
It can cause men to feel alone, unheard, and unimportant, causing them to walk away.
It’s why good men are leaving.
A common prevailing issue today is the equality and unison of men versus women.
The sooner we get there is the sooner we truly treat each other’s issues as an equal issue.
Men’s emotional issues and paradoxes are a problem that good men are leaving over.
In regards to them, it’s not men whining, it’s expressing a genuine issues – not to say whining from men doesn’t exist.
But the moral paradox in men today needs to be more seriously taken and addressed in order to fix this.
It’s not alright that so many men are walking away over this feeling of conflict.
It’s this feeling that if they’re sacrificial and just trying to help, they’re not viable or useful.
They’re just a limp coward who fears being alone.
But men have been raised being told that’s exactly what a good man does.
They put down their wants, occasionally their needs, for the sake of the people they love. If they aren’t doing that, they’re not proving much.
But anything else is considered being a dick?
If they’re expressing to you that they’re struggling with this, don’t wave it off, and absolutely don’t laugh it off.
It’s a valid complaint, it’s a legitimate concern.
You wanna be the good partner for them?
Care about them, listen to them, be there for their issues like they try to do for you.
Because that’s why good men are leaving.
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